How to choose a guardian for your children, and how to ask them

To choose a guardian for your children, think about who shares your values, has the stability and energy to raise them, and already has a real bond with them. Then ask that person directly, name them in your will, and leave a letter that tells them what they'll need to know.

It's one of the hardest decisions parents put off. You don't have to find the perfect person, only a good one you trust, and a backup. Below is how to weigh the choice, how to have the conversation, how naming a guardian works in the US, UK and Europe, and what to write to the guardian and to your children.

What does a guardian actually do?

A guardian steps in to raise your children if you, and any other parent with parental responsibility, have died while the children are still minors. They make the daily decisions: where the children live, school, health care, routines, holidays. In most places they don't automatically control money left to the children; that's often handled through a trust or by someone else.

The appointment usually only matters if both parents have died, or if the surviving parent can't care for them. In many cases a surviving parent simply continues. But "usually" isn't "always", and naming a guardian is the only way to make sure your choice is known. It sits alongside the other parts of getting your affairs in order, from your will to the online side covered in our digital estate planning guide.

How do you choose a guardian for your children?

Start with a list of everyone you'd consider, then think through these questions for each. It helps to do this separately from your partner first, then compare.

Values and parenting style

Would they raise your children broadly as you would? Think about faith, education, discipline, screen time and the things you'd never compromise on. You won't agree on everything, and that's fine. Look for agreement on what matters most to you.

Age, health and energy

Grandparents are often the first thought, and they may be wonderful. But a toddler today will be a teenager in twelve years. Think honestly about whether they could manage that, and name a backup if you're unsure.

Stability and home

Do they have the space, the time and a settled life? Would your children have to move area or school? Moving after a loss is hard; it isn't a dealbreaker, but weigh it.

Existing relationship

Your children already know some adults well. A familiar, loving face can matter more than a bigger house or a better school.

Their own family

How would your children fit in alongside the guardian's own children or partner? If the guardian is in a couple, think about what happens if they separate. Some parents name one person rather than a couple for this reason.

How do you ask someone to be a guardian?

Ask in person, or on a call, rather than in a message. Keep it simple and honest.

1. Explain why you're asking

   "We're writing our wills, and we'd like to name a guardian for the kids, just in case. You're the person we trust most to raise them."

2. Make it easy to say no

   "Please take your time, and please say no if it's not right for you. We'd completely understand." A reluctant guardian isn't a kindness to anyone.

3. Talk about the practical side

   Where the children would live, how money would work, what you'd hope for their schooling and family contact. Reassure them about financial support if you've planned for it.

4. Agree a backup

   Ask who they would suggest if they ever became unable to do it, and choose a second guardian too.

5. Keep them informed

   Tell them when the will is signed, where your documents are, and update them if anything changes.

How do you name a guardian in your will?

In most places, your will is where you formally appoint or nominate a guardian. How much weight that carries, and what happens without one, depends on where you live. These are general points; ask a solicitor, attorney or notary about your situation.

Should the guardian also manage the money?

Not necessarily. Raising a child and managing an inheritance are different skills. Some parents name a loving sibling as guardian and a financially careful friend, a professional or a trust as the person who controls the money. The guardian then asks the trustee for funds for school trips, clothes or a bigger car.

Splitting the roles can protect relationships ("Uncle Sam handles the money" can take pressure off), and it adds a check. It can also create friction if the two don't get on, so choose people who respect each other, and explain your thinking in a letter of wishes.

Also think about whether there will be enough money. Life insurance is often how parents make sure a guardian can afford to take children on. A financial adviser can help you work out a figure.

What to write in a letter to the guardian

Your will names the guardian; a letter helps them do the job. Describe each child as you know them, your hopes for their upbringing, and the small, practical things a newcomer can't know.

Useful things to include:

• Each child's personality, fears, comforts and friendships
• Health details: allergies, medication, doctors, any additional needs
• Routines, favourite foods and bedtime rituals
• Family relationships you'd like kept up, and any you'd rather not
• Your hopes on schooling, faith and values
• Where important documents are kept

Letters to your children, too

A guardian can give your children a home. Only you can give them your voice. Many parents who name a guardian also write to each child: a letter for now, and perhaps one for later milestones. Our guide to writing a letter to your child explains how to start, and birthday letters for your child shows how to build a small collection over the years.

Tell the guardian that these letters exist, and where. For milestones far in the future, it's worth leaving sealed paper letters with the guardian, clearly labelled with when each should be opened.

Where Sealkept fits

Sealkept doesn't appoint a guardian; only your will (or the formal route where you live) can do that. It's also not a place for legal documents that must be found quickly.

What it can do is hold the letters around that decision. You can write to the guardian, to each child and to your partner, and keep them sealed while you check in. You can add a voice note or video to any of them, recorded in your browser or uploaded from your phone, such as a bedtime story for each child. If you stop, after reminders, an optional verifier and a grace period you choose, each person receives a private link to only their messages. A child's message can be set to arrive when they turn a particular age, such as 13 or 18, so you can leave one for each birthday that matters. Our page for new parents shows how it works for young families.

Pick a name, have the conversation, and write it down. It's a decision you hope will never matter, and one that matters enormously if it does.