Questions to ask your parents before they die: 90 to start with

The best questions to ask your parents before they die are the ones only they can answer: what their childhood was like, how they fell in love, what work meant to them, what hard times they got through, what they believe, what they want at the end, and what they remember about you. Below are 90 questions in seven groups, with advice on how to ask them gently and what to do with the answers.

You don't need to ask all of them. Pick five that make you curious, ask them over a cup of tea, and press record. That one conversation may be the thing your family treasures most.

Why ask now?

Because the window is quietly closing for everyone. Memories soften, health changes, and the person who knew your grandmother's maiden name, the street your dad grew up on or why your parents moved country will not always be there to ask.

There's a second reason. Asking is a gift to them as well as to you. Many older people are rarely asked about their own lives. Being listened to, properly, with someone who wants the detail, can be one of the warmest afternoons you spend together.

This guide is part of our series on what to write in a goodbye letter. It's the other side of that coin: instead of writing what you want to leave, you're collecting what they want to leave you.

Questions about their childhood

Start here. Childhood questions are easy, safe and usually bring out the best stories.

1. Where were you born, and what was the house like?
2. What were your parents like when you were small? What did they do for work?
3. What did your grandparents call you?
4. What was your bedroom like? Did you share it?
5. What did you have for tea on an ordinary weekday?
6. Who was your best friend, and what did you get up to?
7. What did you get in trouble for?
8. What was school like? Which teacher do you still remember, and why?
9. What did you want to be when you grew up?
10. What games did you play outside?
11. What was a special treat when you were a child?
12. What music was playing in your house?
13. What did your family do at holidays or festivals?
14. What's the first thing you can remember?

Questions about love and family

These are the stories children often know only in fragments. Ask for the details.

15. How did you meet Mum or Dad? What did you think the first time you saw them?
16. What was your first date?
17. Who was your first love, before them?
18. What made you decide this was the person?
19. What was your wedding day like? What went wrong on the day?
20. What did you argue about in the early years, and how did you sort it out?
21. What do you think makes a relationship last?
22. What did you feel the day I was born?
23. What was the hardest thing about being a new parent?
24. What did your own parents get right about raising you?
25. What did you decide to do differently from them?
26. Which relative do you think I'm most like?
27. Is there a family story that gets told wrong? What really happened?

Questions about work and money

Work fills most of an adult life, yet children rarely know what their parents actually did all day.

28. What was your first job, and how much did it pay?
29. What did you actually do, day to day, in your main job?
30. Which job did you love most? Which did you hate?
31. Who was the best boss you ever had?
32. What are you proudest of from your working life?
33. Did you ever take a big risk at work? How did it turn out?
34. What did you learn about money the hard way?
35. Was there a time money was really tight? How did you manage?
36. What would you have done if money didn't matter?
37. What advice would you give someone starting out today?
38. When did you feel you'd really grown up?

Questions about hard times

Go gently. Ask these on a calm day, when you have time to listen, and let them choose how much to say.

39. What was the hardest year of your life?
40. What got you through it?
41. Who helped you most when things were bad?
42. Have you ever been really frightened? What happened?
43. What's the biggest mistake you've made, and what did it teach you?
44. Is there anything you regret not doing?
45. Is there anyone you wish you'd made peace with?
46. How did you cope when your own parents died?
47. What was it like moving away from home, or to a new country?
48. Was there a time you nearly gave up on something, and didn't?
49. What do you know now that you wish you'd known at my age?
50. What would you like people to understand about that time?

Questions about beliefs and values

These answers are the heart of an ethical will: the values someone hopes to pass on. Ask them plainly.

51. What do you believe happens after we die?
52. Has your faith, or lack of it, changed over the years?
53. What do you think a good life looks like?
54. What are you most grateful for?
55. What does being a good person mean to you?
56. What's something you changed your mind about?
57. What do you think matters less than people think?
58. What do you think matters more than people think?
59. What would you like your grandchildren to know about being kind?
60. What's the best advice anyone ever gave you?
61. What makes you laugh, even now?
62. How would you like to be remembered?

Questions about their wishes and practical things

These are the questions people avoid and later wish they'd asked. You don't need to do them all in one go, and you can frame them as "so we get it right for you". These are questions 63 to 76. Tick them off as you cover them; the list saves on this device.

Questions about me

These are often the ones children want most and ask least. They can be surprisingly emotional for both of you.

77. What was I like as a baby?
78. What did I do that made you laugh when I was little?
79. Why did you choose my name?
80. What were you worried about when I was a teenager?
81. When were you proudest of me?
82. What do you see in me that I might not see in myself?
83. What do you hope for me after you're gone?
84. Is there anything you wish we'd done together?
85. Is there anything you've always wanted to tell me?
86. What do you want me to tell my own children about you?

And a few lighter ones to end a session on a smile:

87. What's your favourite meal of all time?
88. Which song should be played at a family party in your honour?
89. What's the silliest thing you've ever done?
90. If you could relive one ordinary day, which would it be?

How should you ask the questions?

The way you ask matters as much as the questions. A good conversation feels like a visit, not an interview.

1. Pick one topic per visit

   Choose a theme, such as childhood or how they met, and five or six questions from it. Short, regular conversations work better than one long session that tires everyone out.

2. Use a prompt

   Old photos, a map of where they grew up, a song from their teens or a recipe they used to cook will open more doors than a direct question. "Who's this in the picture?" is often the best first question of all.

3. Ask permission to record

   A phone voice memo is enough. Say why: "I'd love to keep your voice telling this." Put the phone face down and forget about it. If they'd rather be filmed, our list of legacy video questions has tips on framing and light.

4. Follow the story, not the list

   When something interesting comes up, chase it. "What happened next?" and "What did that feel like?" are the two most useful follow-ups. The list is just a way in.

5. Leave space

   Pauses are where the good bits come from. Count to five in your head before you speak. And let them say no to any question without explaining.

If your parent lives far away

Video calls work well. Send them three questions a few days ahead so they can think. Some parents prefer to write their answers, or record a voice note on their phone and send it back. A question a week by message can build into something remarkable over a year.

What should you do with the answers?

The conversation is only half of it. A recording on one phone is one dropped phone away from being lost.

• Label the recordings straight away. Name the file with the date, who's speaking and the topic.
• Write up the best bits while they're fresh, in their words as far as you can. A few pages typed up is easier to share than ten hours of audio.
• Keep copies in more than one place. A family cloud folder plus one offline copy is a good start.
• Share with siblings and grandchildren. Each person will hear something different in the same story.
• Turn some answers into something. A printed booklet, a recipe collection, a family tree with the stories attached, or a letter that quotes them.

If the conversations bring up things you want to say back, you might also want to write a letter to your parents while you still can. Many people find that asking the questions is what finally makes them write it.

Where Sealkept fits

Sealkept is for the other direction: the letters you want to leave for the people you love, delivered only if you stop checking in. If your parents want to record their own answers for grandchildren, they can do that with a phone and a shared folder; no service is needed.

But if these conversations make you think about what you'd want your own children to have, Sealkept lets you write it, or record it as a voice note or video, now and address each message to a specific person. It stays sealed, encrypted at rest, while you check in, and is delivered by email with a private link if you don't. You can see the whole process, step by step, on how Sealkept works.

Start with one question this week. The answer will be worth more than you expect.