How to choose an executor, and how to ask them

Asking someone to be your executor is one of the most trusting things you can ask of a person. You are handing them your unfinished paperwork at the moment they are likely to be grieving you. Choosing well, and making the job lighter, is a real kindness.

This guide covers who makes a good executor, the questions worth asking yourself before you decide, what the role actually involves, how to ask, and what to leave them. It sits within our wider guide to digital estate planning, which covers the online side in more detail. It is general information, not legal advice.

What makes a good executor

Not necessarily the eldest child or closest friend. You want someone organised, calm under pressure, trusted by your family, and willing.

• Organised and good with paperwork
• Lives reasonably close, or is comfortable working remotely
• Trusted by the rest of the family
• Likely to outlive you
• Has actually agreed to do it

What matters less than you think

Financial expertise is useful but not essential; executors can and do hire accountants and solicitors, paid from the estate. Living next door helps less than it once did, since much of the work happens by post, phone and email. And seniority in the family counts for very little if the eldest sibling is overstretched or conflict-prone.

Questions to ask yourself before you choose

A few honest questions usually narrow the field quickly:

• Would the rest of the family accept this person's decisions? An executor everyone trusts prevents a great deal of quiet resentment.
• Do they have the time? A straightforward estate can still take months. Someone with young children and a demanding job may need a co-executor.
• Are they comfortable saying no to people? Executors sometimes have to tell a relative they cannot have something yet.
• Is your estate unusual? A business, property abroad, or a family member who may contest the will are all good reasons to consider a professional executor or a professional alongside a family one.
• Who is the backup? If your first choice cannot act, a named alternative saves a court from having to appoint someone.

What the role involves

The details depend on where you live, but the shape of the work is similar almost everywhere:

1. Find the will and any written wishes, including funeral wishes.
2. Get the death certificate, usually several certified copies.
3. Apply for authority to act if it is needed. In England and Wales that is a grant of probate; in Scotland, confirmation; in the US, the probate court issues letters testamentary. Smaller or jointly held estates sometimes do not need this step.
4. Notify banks, insurers, pension providers, employers and government departments, and close or freeze accounts.
5. Value the estate: property, savings, investments, possessions and digital assets.
6. Pay debts, final bills and any taxes due from the estate.
7. Distribute what is left according to the will, and keep a record of every payment in and out.

Executors are usually personally responsible for doing this carefully, which is one reason the role can feel heavy. Our when someone dies checklist walks through the first thirty days in order, and is worth sharing with whoever you choose.

How to ask

Ask in person, give them time to think, and make it clear they can say no.

Choose a quiet moment rather than a family gathering, and start by reassuring them, because the question can land as alarming news. Something like this works:

If they say yes, tell them who else is involved, where the will is kept, and whether you are naming a co-executor or a backup. If they say no, thank them sincerely. A reluctant executor is a worse outcome than a second conversation with someone else.

What to leave them

Tell them where the will is. Leave an account list, contacts, and your wishes in writing. Consider naming a backup executor. Most of the stress executors describe comes from not knowing where things are.

A good executor pack includes:

• Where the original will is kept, and the solicitor or attorney who drew it up
• A list of banks, pensions, insurers and investments, without passwords
• Key contacts: accountant, employer, landlord or mortgage lender
• Where deeds, certificates and spare keys live
• How to reach your phone or password manager through emergency access
• Your wishes for online accounts: delete, memorialise or pass on
• Funeral wishes, if you have them

Our guide on how to tell family where important documents are covers how to store all this without handing over the keys too early. For the online side, the accounts after death tool shows what each major service lets an executor do.

Some people also leave a short personal note for their executor: a thank-you, and a line about what matters most if decisions get difficult. If you want to pass on values as well as instructions, an ethical will is a gentle way to do it.

Give them what they'll need, when they need it

The tricky part is timing. Your executor needs the full picture eventually, but you may not want them holding every account detail today.

With Sealkept, you can write a sealed note just for your executor with every account and instruction, and name them as one of your trusted verifiers. The note stays encrypted at rest and is only released by your rules: after missed check-ins, confirmation from your verifiers and a grace period. If that sounds useful, see how Sealkept works.

Whatever you use, the principle is the same: choose someone steady, ask them properly, and leave them a map. The rest of our digital estate planning guide covers the accounts that map should include.